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  • Lindsey de Roos

the ultimate realisation

pure and straight from my iphone notes

Post colonial indigenous people

How did I look

how do I sound

how did they sit with in the current bind it is.

I feel as though I am constantly playing catcher the more it is at the Mom come down to the fact that I’ve missed out on 10 1030 important years of my life and I don’t know what to do or where to go I don’t have that connection with my family and I don’t have a lot of coloured people in my life I have tried to find coloured -itis operating in New Zealand but that is finding A needle in a stack of needles I am also finding that the more testimonies the more things I did in to sit down and coloured metallic download all of the coloured I just said realise the more I just don’t know and the more I’ve missed out on and it’s extremely overwhelming. I am also feel as though there is a massive gap in that connection and that is because I know that I’m not dealing with that exact theory that exact experiences because I’m not in Cape Town and that’s the bottom line I am experiencing an charted territory as an artist as a coloured artist in New Zealand I don’t know where to go and what to do and now it’s a matter of me navigating idiots that have not been discovered and and this could easily just be due to the fact that I have not found a better amazing piece of researchThat is going to change everything for me or to iPhone to that artist was in the toilet artist in New Zealand and I make that connection maybe I just have not found it yet but I have now I feel like I am in 1000 acre field am I so much fog and I’m freaking the fuck out.

I am also realising how important it is for me to learn Afrikaans an hour it is the language of my people I had this presumption that it is a colonial language but it’s at school kitchen touch it is the language of the woman who was servants to Dutch and I feel so fucking stupid for not realising that but I also cannot blame myself for things that I don’t know and so there is a type of concert I need to be learning and now it’s a bit of actually trying to do it because the more I The more I research the more I understand how important the languages and how that is the language of my people.

Things that I did not realise tipping me so much celebration.

My people my culture my language home voice dialect claiming connecting understanding coloured.

at one point I was playing GeoGuessr with a friend and it’s a day where you get dropped at the end of locations around the world on Google Maps if you have us it’s about of time to kiss the exact location of where you are and we got dropped into the year is the type somewhere there is dip and instantly when I was there I had a gut ache link that we were in South Africa but I wasn’t too sure and when I leaveI found a side of the gods I realise that that was it I did it was a perfect up and put the friction I think about my feelings and how I knew what the Cardi look like though everything that I have his based off the beauty that is dictate years old I do realise that fucking dick did to the space but also felt so far to do it and it was a feeling I never had before.

Coming to terms with by if the city also beards I have to acknowledge my loneliness. It means do you dig in the hypnotising the fact that I am covered that I could say that with but I did not shame pride. To play but I did to a place though I do not feel it is my own. I didn’t even realise that in my own way I was still dealing with the lintel ideas what ideologies that still existed either birthday appetite. But I have a modern context. I have licked it off Fridays I am dealing constantly with the ambiguity of my days but only my expression to others but also with in myself and it is loudly it feels as though it’s the same survival that my bed is having JD there thinking in the way of loving. It means that it is the fact that he is so lost the grief that I have not gone through that I have suppressed because I have suppressed photos I have suppressed my history and have suppressed relationships that occurred I don’t to be by the sounds of my family gosh I could barely but the times that it’s taking its old for but I can’t blame the world for making me do this week and we feel this way but ultimately it is me I had the ability to maintain those boards but did not did you lies repercussions of breaking them. All I have abilities that feel like dreams I don’t feel tangible or lead photographs that but Peabody said for staying with photography it is the only thing that feels real tops of my history iPhone is fucked does the word I moved here I was at a board into someone you but also someone who had to do with the role of responsibility little of paid a little of loss I vividly remember say goodbye to my family and friends for the last time it is the only body that feels real I don’t to be most of my soul my beautiful I didn’t think it would be the lowest there’s a lot of grief but I have not dealt with Ad for bed to go to do this work beat Chat conversation end

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